Writing Letters

Dh asked me start writing him letters again, which I'm torn about. I wrote him many many pages of letters after he first left and he never wrote me back. I finally stopped writing, for several reasons. First, I felt like I was having a conversation with myself. Second, it simply got too painful there for a while. I would think about him and write to him all day long, so I spent the whole day dwelling on everything that was going wrong. I wrote him the last 4 letters after he came to visit after the baby was born and he only ever read 2 of them. It took him over a month to read those 2, and he lost the other 2, the very last two, before even opening them. The last letter explained the final, and most important reason why I stopped writing. With each word I wrote I was trying to win him back. I was fighting my fight, and God had made it very clear to me that I was not to fight this fight but to let him do it. So I layed down my sword/pen and let God do the hard work. Every day got a little easier after that, when I focused on letting God change DH's heart and I focused only on being a better, Godlier wife, when I just enjoyed the friendship DH and I had rather than trying to make it more. And things started to get better, not just easier, and here we are today. So, anyways, DH asked me to start writing him again, though he never even asked why I stopped. So I wrote him a short letter, explaining to him why I stopped, and telling him I wasn't sure that I would be able to write again without trying to win my fight. I told him to feel free to write me, and I may answer, or I may not, but I would still like to know what's going through his head, as I don't feel like I've had a clear picture of that in years. I really don't feel like I have much to write anyways. He said he wants to know what's going through my head, but really, he already knows. I do have some new questions about where he's at now, but they will either be answered in due time or become obsolete, and some of them, I'm not sure I want the answer.

I think he's nervous about me moving there. I'm nervous too. He's afraid I'll try and move things too fast. I'm afraid of that too. I know where this will end up, God has promised me that we will be back together and receive an abundance of blessings when we get there. But I'm afraid of the unseen bumps in the road, the ditches that we may run into, the bridges that need to be built to span Grand Canyon size gullies. I pray this will go smooth and quickly and we will be together again in just a few months, but I'm preparing for more pain, more heartache, and more hard days ahead. Perhaps he'll write me and I will have a better idea of what to expect and know where he is. Perhaps he'll get my letter and decide not to. Either way, I must remember "The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14. I need let God do the hard work of continuing to change his heart, while I do my work and change my own heart to be the perfect help-meet (with God's help of course).